The ideal life.
What would that mean to you. To me it is living with people you love and who love you, having time to be creative, have fun, laugh, enjoy nature, paint, walk, see friends, be able to pay the bills and have enough left to do some nice things.
Productivity and usefulness were trying to make their way into that list but I resisted. I do like to have a purpose, be of help to others and part of the community, so that should be added but screw the productivity!! Capitalism has persuaded us all that unless we work we are of no worth. We appreciate a robin, or cat or tree for being, I appreciate my family and they appreciate me for our being rather than doing.
Guess what, it does actually mostly describe my life, well, sort of. I don't work, (or rather I don't have paid work) we can pay the bills and have some left over, I live with people I love and who love me, I paint almost every day. I don't walk as much as I'd like or see friends as much either, that's chronic illness unfortunately, so I've carved out as much of my ideal life as I can through the ill health and my approximately 2 hours of functioning a day! It would be so lovely to not have to mask to see people and to not have to constantly be on high alert for avoiding any illness that will threaten my already dodgy baseline!
There's been some inertia involved too recently
What is it that shifts the inertia suddenly? Is it one good night of sleep (after several awful nights) or perhaps the sunshine appearing after some particularly gloomy days?
I have been stuck in inertia for a while again, I hadn't completely realised until a pile of date dependent paperwork started to build up. The intensity of my PDA and RSD have been higher recently too (they're both usually things I have a small niggle with but tend to overcome without enormous difficulty)
I process things slowly (I actually felt my brain break in 2011 but that's another story) It usually takes me quite a while to work out what is going on with me. I think because it is always complicated, if you add menopause to Audhd and ME, long covid and fibromyalgia then there are always fluctuations and symptoms and flare ups and brain fog, oh the brain fog! It is like thinking through treacle.
Inertia can be menopausal or adhd related, throw in extreme fatigue with ME and boy oh boy it can be a total mess.
My latest notebook painting explores my life with chronic illness, Audhd, menopause and the confusion of life but with the bright sides of things too I'd love to hear what you think!
Sunshine sometimes breaks through the fog in my brain and gets me out of the house. I saw the sunshine today after the gloomy dark days we've had recently so I got out for a walk, it rained, but even that was refreshing.
My glands are now up and I'm in bed, so the walk was probably too much but seeing the growing black swan signets on the river cheered my soul. The line of black headed gulls with their black caps missing over winter sat on posts along the river was so pleasing, I wish I had photos, but I deliberately left my phone behind, a rebellion against my brain that is rather over insisting on phone time at the moment. When I need to be horizontal a lot of the time, my phone is so much easier to look at that holding a book. I keep ending up dozing next to books in the hope that I might get to read again soon.
I'm also dozing off through some very interesting podcasts, which I will have to revisit when I can actually concentrate!
Art mostly stays outside my inertia, doing some art always feels valid, like I'm creating, achieving something, it quietens my brain, I can hyperfocus and in doing so calm the stresses of life, forgetting worries and anxiety and illness for a while. A new world, a different adventure every time, never knowing where this next painting will take me!
If I'm struggling with life then looking at art usually helps and often sparks an idea. The connection that a mobile phone and the internet can bring to chronically ill people is amazing, connecting us where otherwise we couldn't connect, giving us access to support from others in a similar position as well as keeping up with friends we can't see. Of course the flip side is that it also shows you shiny happy people living their best lives and all the things you're theoretically missing out on. It is of course a glossy version of other people's lives, most people don't share online all their worries, anxieties, illness and struggles. It is so reassuring reading some of the authentic and honest writing on Substack from the neurodivergent, chronically ill and menopausal communities and others too.
Writing is hard for me at the moment, it takes a lot of energy and thoughts disappear halfway through a sentence, the amazing thoughts I have that hang there for a second and then vanish, leaving the feeling of an interesting or satisfying idea but no substance, like a dream you can almost remember. The astonishing things I might come up with if my brain functioned!
I know there is the ADHD element when chatting with people needing to interrupt or a thought will disappear, but I only get as far as thinking ooh I must say this now or I'll forget, and I've already forgotten what I was going to say! So I am quieter in conversations at the moment (not that I'm doing much socialising)
I am doing a daily sudoku problem and a word game too. I'm trying to read more, non fiction that actually gets my brain whirring, but it's in small amounts at the moment!
I've started reading the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron that I have seen repeatedly recommended on various Substack posts. It is to help you unblock your creativity, which actually is about the only thing that is working ok for me! But it's really interesting, and more creativity can't hurt!
I actually have several books on the go because I'm dipping in and out, the wonderful Wintering by Katherine May and fascinating Unwell Women by Elinor Cleghorn both seemingly very relevant at the moment! I'm only managing small chunks at a time, I'm hoping my stamina will increase because it's not an easy way to read! Luckily all three books are still satisfying in small amounts!
Congratulations if you made it this far, if it's anything like my brain this will be a pretty disjointed post!
Hopefully you've gained something from it, even if that's relief that your brain works better than mine!!
If anything resonates with you do comment!
I so appreciate feeling safe enough to post here and to be seen by such a caring community.
If you'd like to buy me a coffee (or more likely a tube of paint!) and be entered into a draw to win an original artwork you can here
https://ko-fi.com/audhdpainter
Much love
Rachel 💕
Such beautiful insights and what great reflections💛
I have to say, it’s chronic illness that has taught me to live an ideal life. So I love that you are reflecting on this from where you are right now.
I can relate to so much you share. In meeting yourself where you’re at, working with what you’ve got and doing the deeper healing work like you are, I have high hopes it will take you far.
Looking back I could have never seen what was coming. All those moments increased more moments and after what felt like a 24:7 job, eventually became my way of life….a dream life💝
P.s. I love swans🦢🦢And, what? Black swans at that!!!🖤
P.p.s I’m loving unwell women! These are the kinds of books for little at a time. I’ve always felt it’s a lot to integrate after reading so just as well you can only go slowly slowly🐌
I, too, am so tired of the narrative that our productivity defines our value! Even within politics, you always hear the politicians proclaiming their commitment to the “working class”, and “small business owners” - which is great, but why are we never part of that conversation? Why are those who can’t work, those who are disabled never mentioned in their grand speeches? We are largely forgotten and neglected, even though our contributions to society are tangible.
Inertia is a struggle for me every day. My ideal life would be getting a flexible, fulfilling writing position with a neurodivergent organization or publication, not having to worry about whether I’ll have enough to cover rent, and just being free to create my music, writing and photography. A studio with a live-in producer would be great. A fully equipped photography studio would be wonderful. A housekeeper would be fantastic! These are lofty dreams.
But they are mine.
Your art is gorgeous by the way.